A major relationship tanked over a year ago and it left me devastated, very sad and of course very single. It ended as the ball fell in Times Square and I pledged a year of solitude, to reflect on what happened, to sift through the brokenness and claim the pieces that were mine.
I felt a lot of those same feelings when I was laid off, and every now and then they come back, the same sadness, the despair, looping conversations and thoughts of things I should have said, or done, the aloneness.
About six months into that self-imposed solitude a friend saw me not reflecting, but spiraling downward and brought it to my attention. She pointed out how withdrawn I’d become, the dark colored dress that had become my uniform and the resolute bun my hair wove itself into every morning. “Look at yourself! What are you doing? You’re turning into an old woman! Snap out of it!” Her words were pointy and at the time they hurt and she was right.
Weeks after I was laid off and wallowing in a big old pit of sorry, another friend called. He asked how I was doing and I began to tick off the number of resumes I was sending out. He stopped me mid-sentence, and told me I was going about this the wrong way, “I’ll save you some time, he said. “This is an opportunity to do something different. Aren’t you tired of working a job? You’re a writer Rhonda, write.” I wanted to hang up in his face. What he was said made me so angry. Why was I so mad? Because I have a daughter to feed and clothe, rent to pay and I didn’t think he understood. Ultimately what I realized is that I didn’t want to fail at my dream, failing at a job is one thing, failing at your dream is another. I’ve treated writing like a hobby and it’s treated me the same way back. It is time for me to snap out of the old way of thinking, change the pattern. So I’m trying, I’ll let you know how it’s going.
Something spectacular is just around the bend…